A Mother's Heart

There is nothing quite like being a parent. Thirteen years ago Mike and I were hoping to become parents for the first time. I can honestly say we had no idea what we were getting into. Being a parent is the most amazing, painful, joyful, heartbreaking adventure ever. In September of 1999, we found out we were expecting. I’ll never forget the sense of anticipation and excitement I felt. I was going to be a mom!

One of the most devastating moments of my life was the loss of that baby. I barely had time to celebrate being pregnant before I wasn’t anymore. It was a profound sadness. A sense of failure. A loss that few people could understand. I remember thinking, “Nothing this horrible has ever happened to me. Never. Not in my entire life.” We grieved. We turned to God for comfort and grace. We learned how to trade our sorrows for the joy of knowing Christ.

A couple of months later, I was pregnant again. This time, the anticipation was dampened by anxiety. A thousand “what ifs” beat a rhythm in my head. By grace, I learned to trust God over those nine months. After losing the first baby, I knew that each day I carried this one was a gift. I was thankful for each day God let me shelter and grow the tiny life inside of me. Every day I gave my baby back to God. That didn’t stop when Abby was born. My children belong to God. He has given them to me for a while, but they are never truly mine. They belong to Him. The question is how will I steward the gift?

One of the hardest things about trusting God is when He tells you to let go. Just a few weeks ago, we found out Jumah was planning on moving in with her boyfriend. To say this was out of the blue would be a gross understatement. Jumah has never been one to talk much about her plans for the future. Trying to talk to her about her goals, her boyfriends, or her emotions is an exercise in frustration. She rarely shows any emotion other than compassion. She has always expressed the desire to find and live God’s plan for her life. We have done our best to teach her what that means and how to go about it. So to choose a lifestyle that is so clearly against God’s plan – well, shock doesn’t begin to describe how we felt about it all.

The one positive thing I can say about the past three weeks is that nothing teaches you about the heart of God the way your children do. How many times has God shown me the right way, the best way, and I’ve chosen MY way instead? How many times has he shown me how much he loves me even when I worship so many other things before I worship him? How much love and grace and forgiveness does he pour out on me when I repent and turn back to him? Has he ever shut me out? Has he ever left me? No. How can I offer my daughter anything less? I can’t. But the only way I have the strength to do any of it is by the grace of God, His Spirit living in me.

Today, when Jumah moved out, I felt like I did that day thirteen years ago when I lost my first child. There is so much I don’t understand, so many prayers God hasn’t answered the way I had hoped. So much sadness, so much grief. I grieve for my loss, but I grieve for hers as well. There are spiritual consequences to this decision that she refuses to even think about. But what I have to remember is that Jumah doesn’t belong to me. She never has. She belongs to God. His Spirit lives in her, too. The same Spirit that works in me, giving me strength to love and forgive, to hope and persevere. So I will continue to be thankful for every moment I get to be a mother to the children God has blessed me with. Even this one.