I should have been an orthopedics nurse

It's been a very busy (and expensive) summer for the Sandefur family so far. We haven't had this many doctor's appointments since Connor was sick with asthma as a baby!

Connor managed to break his arm for the second time last month. He claims he was skateboarding in the house, but he was actually just standing on his skateboard in the dining room when it started rolling. Our house was built on a post & pier foundation in 1905 and is anything BUT level. Down he went. He just got his cast off yesterday and is still a bit protective of that arm.

We've been monitoring Abby's spinal curve for several years now. She's young for a diagnosis of scoliosis, but with a spinal curve of 43 degrees, here we are. Yesterday was our first visit with her orthopedist, Dr. Rajacich at Mary Bridge just down the street. Scoliosis is almost always idiopathic, meaning they have no idea what causes it. But since there are a few things that DO cause it, she will have an MRI of her spine next week. That's right, my almost 11-year-old will be lying in that loud, clanging tube for 2 hours so they can make sure her spinal cord & brainstem are normal. Assuming that all turns out normal, she will be fitted for a Boston Brace at the end of the month, the hope being that we can keep her curve less than 50 degrees until she has stopped growing.

Abby is doing pretty well with all this hubbub. Considering she had perfect attendance four years running at school, has only been on antibiotics three times in her entire life, and her primary extracurricular activity is dancing, she's holding up quite well. Today we watched videos of kids who have had to wear the brace. She downloaded a list of "reasons to love your brace" which had her cracking up. We also watched videos about what an MRI is like so hopefully she will be able to relax for the long test.

I think at this point, I'm more worried about the next few months than she is. Starting middle school with a giant plastic corset under your clothes seems like a recipe for disaster. There are so many scary things floating around in my head. What if the MRI is positive for something awful? What if her curve doesn't stabilize? What if she has to have surgery? What if school becomes intolerable? How much is this all going to cost?

I have to remind myself that God made my daughter. She is his child even more than she is ours. No matter what happens, he is with us. He will get us through it. None of those things are in my control, and worrying about them won't change anything. In fact, seeing my own helplessness makes me even more grateful that God has it all under control. There's nothing quite so hard as recognizing that I cannot be god for my children anymore than they can be god for me.

So here we go, into a season of medical care that this reformed hypochondriac could never have imagined. I'd rather BE the doctor than go TO the doctor. But we will not be conquered, not with broken arms, swallowed button batteries, wisdom teeth to be pulled, or spinal braces to be worn 20 hours a day. God is good. And we will rest in that.

Psalm writing

Mike and I have been going through Redemption Group at Soma. It's been an intense month so far, to say the least. There's a ton I could say about the work that God is doing in my heart, but this blog is not the place for that. At least not right now. One assignment we have in the group is to write a Psalm. I've wavered between excitement and trepidation over this project. In the end, though, it just sort of poured out of me last week after group. I'm pretty sure this isn't the only one waiting in the wings, but it may be the only one I ever share, at least in this forum. At any rate, here it is.

My sin is like cancer.
It distorts the miracle of Your creation.
A malignancy that seems invisible and hidden at first.
It dampens my appetite so that I lose my hunger for truth.

My sin eats away my flesh until I cannot recognize myself.
It fills my lungs so that I cannot breathe.
It forces me to see the death that is coming for me.
A death I deserve, for this is my sin. My guilt. My shame.

I am wasting away.

How did I go from being faithful to being hopeless?
When did I stop listening to your voice?
Why did I stop trusting in you to provide?
Why is my heart so hard?

I refused to listen to your Spirit,
Abandoned the truth in your Word.
I neglected to meet you in prayer,
Deemed you unworthy of my trust.

I rebelled against you,
Placed others above your Name
I despised the sacrifice you made for me,
Tried furiously to save myself.

But you are my hope
You are never silent.
You provide for my every need.
Your sacrifice was enough.

You tear down the wall that separates my heart from you.
You are faithful when I am faithless.
You grieve with me in my sadness.
You are my Savior.

Show me how my sin is against you.
Uncover my idols, my pride, my rebellion, my unbelief.
Reveal the darkness of my offenses.
Then burn them away until all I see is you.

Send your Spirit to heal my brokenness.
Make me hunger for your presence again.
Mold my ruined flesh into the image of your Son.
Fill my lungs with your breath of life.

Let my heart beat again with your unfailing love
Save me from the death I deserve.
Restore my voice to speak your Name
The boldness to shout, “My God has saved me!”