Psalm 51

Spiro’s new song has been stuck in my head for days now. Especially today. From Psalm 51:
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions...
Would you create in me a clean heart oh God?
Restore to me the joy of your salvation.

I love it.

I prayed to God about this trip several months ago. I hadn’t given Doug a final answer yet as to whether I was going. It was a time of turmoil in my life. I was questioning what I believed about God, what we’re doing at Soma, and what my role is as a believer, among other things. I was sitting at the gathering talking to God about my frustration and despair with ministry in the Hilltop and in general. I didn’t hear God command me to go so much as give me permission.

It’s so strange to me that God has always sent me out at the times when I feel I have the least to offer. In His mercy and compassion He shows me forgiveness and gives me a heart to serve. My faith has been so weak, my doubts so strong. Yet God has chosen me and given me the strength and courage to do his work here. In serving Him, the joy of my salvation has been restored to me.

Psalm 51 also says – “For I was born a sinner, yes, from the moment my mother conceived me. But you desire honesty from the heart so you can teach me to be wise in my inmost being.”

All the heartache of the past couple of years has taken a toll. Doubt and anger lead to bitterness and silence, an unwillingness to spend any time with God for fear it will only lead to more sacrifice and pain. How can I possibly go before God with my frustration and anger after everything He has done for me? But it was only after I was honest with God that I began to hear his voice speaking into my life again.

My life is yours, God. "Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you... The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart you will not despise."

My heart has broken more times than I can count over the past year. I've gone through the loss of close friendships, the stress of a new job, and the valley of severe depression and hopelessness. The only advantage of a broken spirit is that it is truly useless. In my uselessness, I finally had to depend completely on the Lord for strength. Thank you, God! Thank you for using my broken heart! Thank you for filling up my broken spirit with your Holy one!